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From personal embarrassment, family embarrassment, not accepting diagnoses or treatment, not wanting to attend mental health community services in case they are recognised. There is also stigma amongst family, friends and colleagues, including whispered rumours and avoidance." Then in November, things changed, and her depression became serious enough to warrant hospitalisation. "When I was very, very depressed, anxious and suicidal I was so ill I was almost monosyllabic, I could hardy walk properly, I couldn't shower or dress properly. Eating and all the things that we take for granted were a huge struggle. I spent most of every day in bed, crying and wanting to be dead. I was absolutely terrible. So frightening and awful." Image copyright Mandy Stevens "The absolutely wonderful nurses on Gardner ward at City & Hackney Centre for Mental Health were amazing," Stevens says. "They would come and see me very regularly throughout the day, spend time with me, encourage and support me, listen to me crying and talking and throwing up a huge amount of emotion. The staff nurses and the healthcare assistants were wonderful, accessible and compassionate 24/7. I am so proud of my profession." Whilst in hospital and after she was over the worst Stevens says she felt a bit like an "undercover cop" as she observed how the ward was run.